BE MINDFUL

 "Mindfulness means moment-to-moment, non-judgmental awareness."

"It's cultivated by refining our capacity to pay attention, intentionally, in the present moment, and then sustaining that attention over time. 

It means becoming more in touch with our life as it is unfolding."

"Parenting through mindfulness has the potential to penetrate past surface appearances and behaviors and allow us to see our children as they truly are, so we can act with some degree of wisdom and compassion. The more we are able to keep in mind the intrinsic wholeness and beauty of our children – especially when it's difficult to see – the more our ability to be mindful deepens". ~Jon Kabat-Zinn

   Twelve exercises for Mindful Parenting

1. Try to imagine the world from your child's point of view, purposefully letting go of your own. Do this every day for at least a few moments to remind you of who this child is and what he or she faces in the world.
2. Imagine how you appear and sound from your child's point of view, i.e., having you as a parent today, in this moment. How might this modify how you carry yourself in your body and in space, how you speak, and what you say? How do you want to relate to your child in this moment?
3. Practice seeing your children as perfect just the way they are. See if you can stay mindful of their sovereignty from moment to moment, and work at accepting them as they are when it is hardest for you to do so.
4. Be mindful of your expectations of your children and consider whether they are truly in your child's best interest. Also, be aware of how you communicate those expectations and how they affect your children.
5. Practice altruism, putting the needs of your children above your own whenever possible. Then see if there isn't some common ground, where your true needs can also be met. You may be surprised at how much overlap is possible, especially if you are patient and strive for balance.
6. When you feel lost, or at a loss, remember to stand still and meditate on the whole by bringing your full attention to the situation, to your child, to yourself, to the family. In doing so, you may go beyond thinking, even good thinking, and perceive intuitively, with the whole of your being, what needs to be done. If that is not clear in any moment, maybe the best thing is to not do anything until it becomes clearer. Sometimes it is good to remain silent.
7. Try embodying silent presence. This will grow out of both formal and informal mindfulness practice over time if you attend to how you carry yourself and what you project in body, mind, and speech. Listen carefully.
8. Learn to live with tension without losing your own balance. In Zen and the Art of Archery, Herrigel describes how he was taught to stand at the point of highest tension effortlessly without shooting the arrow. At the right moment, the arrow mysteriously shoots itself. Practice moving into any moment, however difficult, without trying to change anything and without having to have a particular outcome occur. Simply bring your full awareness and presence to this moment. Practice seeing that whatever comes up is "workable" if you are willing to trust your intuition. Your child needs you to be a center of balance and trustworthiness, a reliable landmark by which he or she can take a bearing within his or her own landscape. Arrow and target need each other. They will find each other best through wise attention and patience.
9. Apologize to your child when you have betrayed a trust in even a little way. Apologies are healing. An apology demonstrates that you have thought about a situation and have come to see it more clearly, or perhaps more from your child's point of view. But be mindful of being "sorry" too often. It loses its meaning if you are always saying it, making regret into a habit. Then it can become a way not to take responsibility for your actions. Cooking in remorse on occasion is a good meditation. Don't shut off the stove until the meal is ready.
10. Every child is special, and every child has special needs. Each sees in an entirely unique way. Hold an image of each child in your heart. Drink in their being, wishing them well.
11. There are important times when we need to be clear and strong and unequivocal with children. Let this come as much as possible out of awareness, generosity, and discernment, rather than out of fear, self-righteousness, or the desire to control. Mindful parenting does not mean being overindulgent, neglectful, or weak; nor does it mean being rigid, domineering, and controlling.
12. The greatest gift you can give your child is your self. This means that part of your work as a parent is to keep growing in self-knowledge and awareness. This ongoing work can be furthered by making a time for quiet contemplation in whatever ways feel comfortable to us. We only have right now. Let us use it to its best advantage, for our children's sake, and for our own.  
~From "Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting"  by Myla Kabat-Zinn and Jon Kabat-Zinn.

Mindful parenting 

enriches our lives as well as the lives of our children.

happy day!

TWEEN TO TEEN

"Mom! I KNOW!",  she said, standing, confident and exasperated, with hands on her hips.

This is the child who never raises her voice, who always has a smile, who helps others without being asked and who inspires me to be a better person each day of my life. 


A child who is now annoyed with her mother.


Rightly so, I must admit. But in all fairness, I'm just being the same mom doing what I always do. When did she change? When did she not need me to suggest ways to convey her wishes or encouragement to take part in certain endeavors?  


It's been so gradual I haven't even noticed. She has always had freedom and choice but still  always wanted my input or needed my advice.


I have noticed her increased confidence. I know she values herself and her time immensely. I know she is very choosy about what she does and who she spends her time with. And I guess with all of this comes that confidence to be more independent and handle life herself. A stepping stone of life, of freedom.


She is not antagonistic, she is not terrible, she is not rebellious nor self-centered or any other negative word that people use to describe a teen.


She is just growing up. She is becoming independent. She is feeling confident enough to handle what comes her way herself. And that IS what we want for our children. 


So now it is ME who has to change. I need to back up, breathe, and wait and see IF she needs a suggestion or guidance from me, for I am always here for her.


I suppose I could feel a bit sad that she doesn't need me like she used to, but why would I, when I know she is blossoming into a confident, self-assured young woman who believes in herself and trusts her own judgement.

As we continue our journey in life, we are emerging from the child and parent partnership to  becoming new partners, woman to woman and friend to friend.  
And how glorious that each stage in life has gifts for us to enjoy and savor . . . just like each season in nature does.


  happy day!  happy life!

FORGET THE PLEASE AND THANK YOU

Please don't make your child say thank you.
Please don't make your child say please . . . or ask for that magic word.
Please don't make your child say they are sorry.


Those are just WORDS. And they don't mean anything unless they come from the heart.


Instead. . . YOU say those words!

• You say thank you to your child and others with a smile each and every time. 
• You say thank you so much for having us when you leave an enjoyable place.
• You say you are sorry to your child and others when you are grumpy and should have handled a situation better.
• You say you are sorry to the other child whose toy was taken away or seat was sat in.

By doing this, you are modeling the behavior you want to see. You are showing your child how to live in a world with love and respect; how to treat others .


Soon your child will see this behavior as the norm and will readily do it on his own because he wants to. It will become natural, a way of living, and from the heart. Those words will have meaning and be genuine and sincere. 


There is no need to rule with that iron fist, that authoritarian model, no matter how we were raised.  Most of us were made to say please, thank you and sorry, time and time again, but just because it was always done that way doesn't make it right. 


How did you feel when you were made to say something you didn't feel or want to say?
Did those words mean anything when you said them?


Do you want more for our children?

Breathe, be gentle and kind, be softer, be positive, say yes and let the child's joy be their words until they know how to use them on their own.  A smile and laughter and a wave goodbye shows they had fun.

"It is usually assumed that children who aren't made to obey their parents will grow to be unruly, disrespectful, and 'out of control'. Nothing could be further from the truth. Children who are treated with respect are respectful of others. Children who are listened to as equals listen to others as equals. Children whose opinions are valued value others' opinions. A family where parents and children are allies is a peaceful family."

~Rue Kream, (Parenting A Free Child: An Unschooled Life)

happy day!

WINTER BOREDOM ?

It's OK to be bored. It's OK not to know what to do next. The word BOREDOM has received a bad reputation. 

Boredom is the mind's rest, that moment of indecision. 
Too often we hear, " If you're bored I'll give you something to do", and we all know what that means! That something is usually in the form of chores or distasteful tasks.


It's OK to be bored. It's OK not to know what to do next. Our minds need the TIME to rest and think to decide on our next move. Children need that time too.


Next time someone is bored: 

• Ask them, "What do you feel like doing?" giving them time to think, all the while remaining silent, but ready to listen wholeheartedly to what they have to say.

• Ask about their recent projects and playthings, perhaps they want to continue on but have forgotten. 

•  "Strew". . .  put things out in sight that might catch their eye or get them interested or spark a new thought.

• Start your own activity nearby and they might decide to join in or it may inspire an idea.

•  Change it up. Life, that is. Do things in a different way. Change the room around. Eat meals in a new spot. Try new foods. Take different routes to the same places.

Other activities:
-Bundle up and go outside, even for 10 minutes. Breathing the cold air invigorates and refreshes. Explore and discover and find something to bring inside.


-Watch movies, mostly musicals, and set it up like a movie theater with popcorn and drinks.


-Make tents with blankets, sheets, tablecloths held together with clothespins. Bring in flashlights and books and playthings.


- Blow up balloons and bat them around the room with your hands. Make a line with masking tape as a boundary line to hit back and forth.


-Make a rice box ( or beans, lentils ,etc) and add clear containers , measuring cups, spoons, funnels.


- Have tea parties, with real tea using fancy adult tea cups and foods that you have prepared together.


- Have a picnic on the floor. Think summer and spread a blanket.  


- Have treasure hunts throughout the house. Children LOVE to find things.


 - Modeling with beeswax or playclay.


Whatever you do, do it TOGETHER. Sometimes boredom means they want and need your undivided time .


Stay tuned for more easy and fun activities for winter in the house.




                             happy day!

OH NO NOT THAT!

Does your child ever want to do something and your insides cringe? You want to immediately say no, and perhaps you do, or you may quickly squash the idea in a gentle way.


It happened to me, it happens to the best of us. Even mindful parents can have those moments. It is how we learn from them that matters.


You would think what my daughter wanted to do was something huge. You would think I would have to play a big part in it, the way it bothered me. 


I had to dig deep. WHY did it bother me? What was the big deal? Why did I have to let her sense my negativity when she was so excited?  Isn't that a smaller version of stepping on someone else's dreams? 


I was multi-tasking, had a deadline, was not in the best of moods, but that shouldn't play any part.


She is twelve. She could gather everything she needed herself. She and her friends could do it together without my help. She is able to climb ladders safely. She knows how to fold and do the laundry. I didn't have to be a part in it at all. 


She didn't bring it up again and I forgot all about it. . . 


until this morning.

And all I could do was stand there and smile. . . and grab my camera!


They made a tent with all our available blankets tablecloths and sheets. I stood there with my mouth open, and truth be told, I wanted to crawl in myself. 


It was held together with a multitude of clothespins.

And beneath the tent of fabric and warmth, three friends were fast asleep.

It was terrific and I loved it . . . 

and then the guilt seeped in.

Why did I have to be such a poo about it in the first place? 

Why couldn't I have been upbeat and cheery and given her words of encouragement?


Was it because once she takes it down, the blankets will just stay all around the room? (which is like an open invitation to allow the rest of the room to become messy. . .  have you ever noticed how that happens?) 


Did it bother me that all the blankets would be piled next to the washer and perhaps sit there for days?


Seriously. 
This was my child. 
A child, children actually, who had immense joy in constructing this and using this. In the scheme of life, what IS a mess of blankets in a room or a pile of blankets needing to be washed.


I have to tell them the moment they awaken, how glorious it is. And it can stay there for as long as she wants, and I am thankful I am stocked up on laundry detergent. 


It is a lesson to all of us. to breathe before we answer a child. It gives us those few milliseconds to respond in the best way possible, in a positive light, to encourage and allow their dreams to flourish and their imagination and ingenuity to take hold.


Every day is a new day.  We have a chance to start over, to change our responses, to look at life in a new light, and always strive for happiness.


happy day!

EMBRACING HALLOWEEN

My daughter loves Halloween. I am not a huge fan.
Talk of Halloween starts in the summer around here and my insides start to groan, although I smile and listen. And sure, I have helped the children with costumes, went trick or treating, even hosted parties over many years, but never really embraced the holiday. 

One year I left all the Halloween decorations in the box in the basement... oops! Noone commented until afterwards. But that happened in our new house, so in all fairness, maybe we didn't know where the box was.

This year was different for me. Halloween still isn't my favorite but it IS to my daughter. It matters a great deal to HER.  Her eyes light up while she tells of her plans and how she will decorate for her annual party. And then it hit me...like a ton of bricks, it is said. 

When you love someone you support them and their passions, and as a mindful and unschooling parent you most certainly do.

I started looking at it in a new way. . .  Halloween as her passion, as her interest, and like everything else, I encourage and support and help when needed. 
In simple terms I embraced Halloween.

We talked non-stop of her plans and she made many lists. We went to the library and poured over books and put bookmarks in all the crafts and recipes we were going to make for her party. It became exciting.

She took complete control and went to task and I was there as her sidekick to help with whatever needed to be done. Her energy was contagious and I began to enjoy myself, not so much because I love Halloween but because I love my child.

She insisted on a graveyard in the front yard which looked pretty spooky come nightfall. The graves did have to be supported a bit extra with dowels hammered into the ground and wire

around the gravestones to stand up to the wind, and it worked.

She hosted a pumpkin carving gathering the week before so the pumpkins were all ready to be lit and some party goers got to know one another a bit more.

She LOVES to decorate with streamers, no matter the occasion, and with a ladder and some duct tape she went to work. It looked terrific!

She is a huge fan of spider webs and webbed up everything. . . 

                           mirrors

bookshelves

                                   mantels

                                       walls

and lampshades.

She painted paper mache skeleton heads from a craft store and added them to the mantel.

Other touches were added around the room . . .the cat, of course, jumping into the pictures :)

We made large ghosts for the six front windows looking out onto the graveyard, inspiration from theMartha Stewart Halloween book.

She made Owl Cupcakes ! Directions here.

She got dressed . . . 

and was ready to greet her guests.

A spooky time was had by all!

Our week was so busy. We didn't make and do all the recipes and crafts we had bookmarked but it was fun looking and deciding. We didn't buy everything we wanted but it was fun browsing and shopping. 

We were two people with a common goal who were excited and interested. . . my daughter because she absolutely loves Halloween, and me mostly because I love my daughter. But I have to admit, I think I am already looking forward to next year. I'm  thinking about a candy hunt in the woodlands along a path lit with jack o lanterns.

When we, as parents, allow ourselves to be open to our children, to embrace what they are interested in, it enriches both our lives. We become closer to our children and they begin to share more of themselves, their wishes, hopes and dreams, and when we listen and become actively involved in their passions we show them they are valued, every single bit of them.

It is love in action.

                            happy Halloween!